


Gender relations

by torres



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:33:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torres/pseuds/torres
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel teaches Fernando a thing or two about the difference between boys and girls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gender relations

“Daniel!” A voice urgently called from outside and a sound persistently rapped at his door. Dan cursed the high heavens as he hobbled to his flat’s front door as quickly as possible, without putting any pressure on his broken metatarsal.

The door swung open and he was greeted by a miserable, frozen Spaniard.

“Fernando? What the hell are you doing here?”

“What took you so long?” Fernando muttered, pushing past Daniel and into the warm home.

“I’m an injured man, give me a break!” Dan said, rolling his eyes and closing the door.

“Well, I’m a rejected man, I need a place to stay tonight,” Fernando said, dropping an overnight backpack on the floor as if to emphasize a point.

“Excuse me?” Dan eyed the bag warily.

“Olalla. She threw me out.”

“She threw you out?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“She’s mad at me.”

“So, she threw you out of _your own house_?”

“Yes.”

“Man, you’re whipped.”

Fernando sighed. “I know.”

They walked—well, Fernando walked, Daniel skipped on one good foot—to the living room and plopped down on the couch.

“Well, what happened?”

“I don’t know. Olalla just got mad all of a sudden.”

“Is it her time of the month?”

Fernando’s cheeks burned a bright red. “I don’t know! Am I supposed to know?”

“Of course, you dumbass. Are you sure the peroxide you use to bleach your hair doesn’t seep into your brain?”

“But, that’s gross!” Fernando yelped, involuntarily crinkling his nose.

“It’s for your own survival. If it’s that time, you stay clear of her. At all costs. PMS is your worst enemy, Nando.”

“But why?” Fernando gaped.

“They can be all psychotic and suicidal at you, and they have every biological justification for it. It’s their hormonal femaleness,” Dan nodded wisely.

“This is crazy,” Fernando shook his head. “Let’s just watch TV.”

“Why did you guys fight?” Dan nagged. “What did you do?”

“What did I do?? I didn’t do anything! I just came home after training, and she was already pissed. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.”

“Then, what did you do?”

“Er… I made myself a sandwich?”

“WHAT?” Dan exploded, horrified.

“She said nothing was wrong!” Fernando yelped.

“Fernando, ‘nothing’ in women-speak is ‘something.’ And not like, a small ‘something,’ but a big ‘something.’”

“What? Well, why don’t you just say so?”

“Because!” Dan slung an arm around Fernando’s shoulders. “Women are very complex creatures. They have their own language. It just seems like the same language you speak, but it’s completely different.”

“…Like Scouse?”

“Er, well. Yes. Kind of.”

“So, Carra and Stevie—”

“No, Carra and Stevie do not know women-speak.”

“I don’t get it.”

Dan put his hands on his hips. “Okay, say for example, I’m your girlfriend.”

Fernando raised an eyebrow.

“It’s pretend, Torres,” Dan punched his arm in exasperation.

Fernando yelped, rubbing the sore spot his teammate hit. “I didn’t know I had such a violent partner.”

“Yes, I would totally dominate you in bed,” Dan’s lips twisted in a lopsided smirk. Fernando blushed a bright red.

“Moving on,” Fernando mumbled.

“As I was saying, as your girlfriend, if I said, ‘Fernando, do I look fat in this dress?’ What should you say?”

“Oh, oh, oh, I know this one!” Fernando bounced up and down on the couch. He answered triumphantly: “No!”

Dan’s shoulders sagged as he scowled at Fernando. “You’re just saying that cos you’re my boyfriend. So you do think I’m fat!”

Fernando threw out his arms in disbelief, “What? I’m being honest! You’re not fat.”

“If you really loved me, you would tell me the truth!”

Fernando’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly. Painted to a corner, he squeaked, “So, the answer is yes?”

Dan punched him harder this time.

“OW!”

“If I were Olalla, I would have broken up with you by now.”

“You’re taking this a bit too seriously, Daniel.”

The defender ignored him and lectured seriously. “When women say ‘Do I look fat in this?’, it’s not a question. It’s an order. It means, ‘Tell me I’m beautiful.’”

“I’m getting stressed.”

“Anyway, go on,” Dan motioned, “What happened after you brilliantly ignored the warning signs and made yourself a sandwich?”

“I asked her if she wanted to do something tonight. She said no—”

“That means yes.”

“And I asked her if she was alright, she said yes—”

“Which means no.”

“Then, I asked her if she wanted to eat in instead, and she said maybe—”

“That’s also a no.”

“So, I just went to play some videogames. She just sighed.”

“Oh, that’s easy. A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and she’s wasting her time trying to hold a decent conversation with you.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true.”

“Yes,” Fernando retorted, “Because you’re such an expert at relationships.”

“I’m not the one who got kicked out of my own house,” Dan pointed out.

Fernando slumped on the plush cushions in defeat, “This is so complicated. Why can’t women speak normally, like us?”

“Hey, there’s man-speak too.”

“I’m a man. I don’t know of this man-speak,” the striker deadpanned.

“Yeah, well, I think we’ve already proven earlier how lacking you are in the gender relations department,” Dan snapped.

Fernando pouted, making the Dane smile triumphantly.

“For example, when you asked Olalla ‘What’s wrong?’, that meant, ‘What twisted, insane, psychological problem have you placed upon yourself this time?’”

“That’s not—”

“And when boys say ‘I love you,’ they just really mean, ‘There, I said it, can we have sex now?’”

“I think this is the reason why you’re still single.”

“Oh, come on. Admit it, Torres.”

“I refuse to be part of this.”

“When you say, ‘You fancy hanging out sometime?’, what do you really mean?”

“Er, I think you’re cool and I want to spend more time with you?”

“No, it means ‘I want to have sex with you sometime.’”

Fernando’s jaw dropped, eyes widened, “You’re a pervert.”

“And when you say, ‘Let’s have dinner,’ what do you mean?”

“I know a good restaurant—”

“No, it means ‘I want to have sex with you sometime.’” Dan repeated slowly.

“We’re not all sex-starved like you.”

“And when you say, ‘Let’s catch a movie…’” Dan trailed off, looking at Fernando expectantly.

Fernando sighed in defeat as he answered obediently, “I want to have sex with you sometime.”

“Good boy,” Dan nodded approvingly. “I hereby declare you enlightened.”

Fernando stretched out on the cushions, looking up at Dan, perplexed. “Remind me, how is this going to help me again?”

“It won’t,” Dan shrugged nonchalantly, before lying next to the striker, “Since the damage has been done.”

“Well, that was such a waste of thirty minutes of my life,” Nando answered dryly, poking Dan’s arm in annoyance. “I’m bored.”

“You wanna have dinner?”

Fernando hesitated, squirmed under Dan’s twinkling, teasing gaze. “Are you asking me if I want to eat out or if I want to have sex?”

Dan grinned mischievously, placing a kiss against Fernando’s temple. “Tsk, tsk, Nando. And here I thought you were a fast learner.”


End file.
